Vacations in Florida
by Syriiak
Summary: When America decides that all the countries need to go on a vacation, there's a slight argument over where to go... Slight AU and OOC-ness. Crackfic. No pairings.


"And finally," America grinned, "it's about time we took a vacation!"

The nations, gathered around the meeting table, thought pensively for a moment, actually taking his suggestion seriously, which came as something as a surprise to America; he had meant it more as a joke.

"We do seem to have been a bit busy lately, haven't we?" England considered.

"And it has been a while…" Hungary thought.

"But where to?" Russia asked.

They considered for a moment. "It has to have been somewhere that we can actually feel peaceful," Hungary decided. "Somewhere that we won't feel pressured by the laws. Somewhere that has a lot of things to do. Somewhere that's relaxing."

All eyes turned to the personage of the United States of America.

_Great,_ America thought. _I'm a vacation spot._ "I guess…" he shrugged.

"Now," Hungary decided, "where should we go in America?"

America suddenly became uncommomly mute as they discussed Texas, New York, Virginia, Arkansas… He had never before thought of what it would feel like if his friends were deciding whether to go visit his arms, legs, or face…

Then it happened.

"Why don't we go to Florida?" Italy suggested gleefully.

Suddenly, America started to get a little pink around the ears. "Um… Texas sounded nice?" he rushed, trying to override Italy's suggestion. He scooted his chair away from theirs slightly in a hopefully insignificant way, crossing his legs.

"Italy's suggestion seems more educational," England mused.

_In more ways than one,_ America thought edgily, fidgeting nervously.

"I hope we can go to Florida!" Italy exclaimed again. "I have heard of how wonderfully _hot_ it is down there!"

America pulled his legs into his chair uncomfortably in a tight crisscross pattern with his knees slightly raised. "Um… really… we could go to New York instead…?"

"Nonsense!" Ukraine smiled. "Florida sounds fun!"

America's ears reddened further to hear that coming from her, and his knuckles whitened as they gripped his knees. "No, really, I'm sure that Texas has more… attractions?" He smiled in what he hoped was a convincing way. "Or maybe Washington, D.C.? Wouldn't it be fun to see the capitol?"

"Hey, I wanna see Disneyworld!" Italy pouted.

America flinched, pulling his legs in tighter and lowering himself in his seat as much as he could.

"Disneyworld sounds fun..." Canada quietly interjected.

Once more, America hunched down in his chair, almost hiding behind the table. _Even Canada doesn't know,_ he realized. _Nobody here knows how embarrassing this is except me._

"Nonsense," Russia said pleasantly. "I would much prefer seeing the Everglades."

"N-n-no you wouldn't!" America shook his head emphatically, trying to drive the thought away from their minds. "There is absolutely _nothing_ cool about them!" His poor friends didn't have any idea that right now, they were talking about the tip of his-

"Are you correcting me?" An ominous purple glow surrounded Russia, and America shook his head before the chorus of 'kolkolkol' could start.

"No! I'm just saying I think it's… It's boring, is all." America swallowed nervously; he didn't even feel comfortable saying the names of the places in front of his friends. How much more embarrassing if they went there? It would be like taking all of his clothes off in front of them.

"Then why, pray tell, is it one of the world's most famous tourist attractions?" England frowned. America lowered his head in shame, having managed to forget that unfortunate fact. It certainly wasn't his actions!

"Um… undeserved attention?" he frantically panicked. "Really… it's just… erm… a bunch of trees…" America swallowed nervously. "Actually, it'd be awesome if we could visit… ah… Greece instead! …Wouldn't it?"

"You're just being modest," Hungary decided. "Florida it is!"

America sank in his seat, partially glad that his friends didn't know the truth, partially wishing that they knew how un-_modest_ a trip they were planning.

"Do you know what you are saying, mademoiselle?" France interjected for the first time, a wicked gleam in his eye.

The entire group looked at him, startled and confused. "Whatever is the matter, git?" England crossed his arms.

"You cannot tell by his actions?" France shook his head in disappointment, patting England's head. "And I would have thought that by now you of all people would have the brain cells to recognize embarrassment in your own offspring." Ignoring England's angry protests, he went on, shrugging, "It is so obvious that we are talking about -"

"I KNOW LET'S GO TO KANSAS!" America interrupted hurriedly, before France finished in what America knew would be his usual crude way. And there was no doubt in his mind that France had picked up on exactly where Florida fell on his body. Simply the way he had spoken to England had told him that much.

And France was the last person he wanted telling his friends _that._

"America!" England chastised. "Where did you learn such a lack of manners?" America crossed his arms, not saying a word in apology. England sighed. "What were you saying, France?"

"Dah!" France exclaimed. "You still do not understand? And one would think that you'd be the _first_ to see!" He shook his head in what seemed disappointment. "The… lovely Florida," he grinned, pausing to accentuate the word _lovely_, "is obviously-"

"Seriously! Kansas is _awesome!_" America's face, already flushed from the conversation, turned beet red at France's pointed comment about the state. Any doubts he might have harbored that France knew his little secret vanished instantly.

"I fail to see what is so awe-inspiring about it," England commented dryly. "It is simply flat land, farmland, and tornadoes." He looked thoughtful, intrigued by what France had said. "Why are you avoiding Florida?"

"I- I'm not-" America started to protest.

"That is what I was trying to tell you!" France cut in. "Florida is obviously-"

"Why don't we just forget the whole thing?" America asked desperately.

"Nonsense. These pitiful countries need to know that the state they are planning on visiting is your-" Here, France raised his voice above the others so that he could be heard loud and clear by all. "-short American pénis!"

America stood up suddenly, glaring at France. "Now ya didn't have to go and _insult_ it_,_ you no good, low-down, dirty rotten French—"

France shrugged nonchalantly. "You interrupted me three times." He leaned closer. "Besides," he added with a perverted grin, "if you'd like to _prove me wrong,_ you'll have to show me yourself." His French eyebrows were going up and down suggestively.

America scowled. "You perverted sicko!"

The rest of the countries were blushing, eyeing the floor as if it were an Italian artwork instead of a dirt-caked mess. England was the first to speak. "France, won't you stop harassing the boy! We need to stay here anyway."

"I know!" Italy was bouncing up and down with glee. "I know, I know! We can go to Italy! And we can see the great artworks and the nicest people and-!"

"Perhaps Italy is right," China interjected.

Italy raised his hand. "You know what else we can see?" He wouldn't put his hand down until he was allowed to speak, and they knew it.

"What?" England asked.

Italy's eyes closed dramatically, the huge grin on his face widening. "Pastaaaa!"


End file.
